Dr Brené Brown, who has a PhD in Social work, talks about how to build empathy, through recognising our own vulnerabilities.

Dr Brown says: ‘Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection… Empathy is feeling with people.’

She says that research shows that empathy requires:

• Perspective taking. That is, the abilty to take the perspective of another person
• Staying out of judgement
• Recognising emotion in other people, and then reflecting it back

Rather than putting ourselves in the perspective of others, sympathy is often expressed as a ‘silver lining.’ When someone shares a negative experience, we have a tendancy to respond with a comparison of something positive, or to show that things could be worse. We can catch ourselves doing it, when we start our response with: ‘At least…’ For example, if someone shares: ‘I had a miscarriage,’ someone expressing sympathy, rather than empathy, might say: ‘At least you know you can get pregnant.’

Dr Brown says that empathy is vulnerability: ‘In order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.’

Instead of dismissing or trying to fix problems that are shared with us, we can show empathy by simply saying: ‘I don’t even know what to say, I’m just so glad you told me.’

Dr Brown says that our verbal responses rarely make traumatic situations better for other people. ‘What makes something better is connection.’